Day One

Today, I unpacked my diploma, that $ 200,000 piece of paper that says I jumped through the hoops and checked the boxes of college.  That piece of paper, however, was very opinionated and got into a bit of argument with another piece of paper in my room- my high school diploma.  The following is retelling of their conversation, edited for time and language.  (Oh, and for some reason, my university diploma requested to be called Ian and my high school diploma Engelbert.  Don't ask.)

Ian

Engelbert: Welcome to life in storage.

Ian: Don’t get ahead of yourself, high school.  I’m not there quite yet.

Engelbert: But you’ll get here eventually.

Ian: Maybe, but maybe not.  I do have a frame to go in.

Engelbert: You think you're special?  I was the result of so much hard work.  I was studying and reading and paper writing.  I was scrabbling to beat the next person, I was-

Ian: You were obviously trying too hard.

Engelbert: I was so much work!  And look at me now, stuck on a closet shelf.  You think you are better than me?  You think-

Ian: Um, yes.

Engelbert: Wh- what?  Why?

Ian: Well, because you were leading up to me.

Engelbert: Leading up to you, sure.  If you want to put it that way.  But-

Ian: I do.

Engelbert: But what are you leading up to?

Ian: I have no idea.

Engelbert: You see what I mean?  You’re certainly no better than me, and probably even worse.

Ian: I doubt that very much.  Do you know what your problem is, Bertie?

Engelbert: I’m sure you’re about to tell me.  And don't call me Bertie.

Ian: You think you know everything.

Engelbert: Is that supposed to be a problem?  Because I’m really not seeing one.

Ian: Well, there is also the fact that you are a card and not an actual diploma.

Engelbert:  It was Friday the 13^th!  The high school lost the actual diploma.  It’s not my fault.

Engelbert (He really is just a card.)

Ian: Yes, well, even if you are a bit small, you talk a great deal of nothing.  You think you know everything?  The amount of what you know is smaller than the credit card sized photocopy that you are.

Engelbert: I know a lot!  I know how to write an insightful English paper.  I know the best method of memorizing dates.  I know the shortcuts of Algebra II.

Ian: And do you know how much of that was used to get me?  No, no, don’t try and answer.  Wouldn’t want you to strain your lamination.  None of that was used, but do you want to know what I know?

Engelbert: Not really.

Ian: I know that a real friend will dance down the hallway to cheer you up.  I know that Guinness should not be too cold and goes well with good conversation.  I know that a museum is best viewed with someone who is just as willing as you to mock every single piece of art.

Engelbert: Is that supposed to be impressive?  Where is the 4.0 GPA?  Where is the departmental award?  Where is the job?

Ian: Okay, so I don’t have any of that.

Engelbert: I’ll just reserve this spot next to me in the-

Ian: I would not be so cocky.  You see, I happen to know that she is very proud of me.

Engelbert: And you think she wasn’t proud of me?

Ian: You?  You were a means to an end.  But me?  I’m more than that.  I’m not a means to an end.  I am an end, and I am a beginning.  So, think about that, as you gather dust on your closet shelf.

I think the conversation might have continued for some time more, but I then told the two of them to shut it, as I needed to figure out if I should put Terry Pratchett next to Douglas Adams or Neil Gaiman.  (Because thematically, he is a bit closer to Adams, but then he did write Good Omens with Gaiman.  Of course, I could put him in the middle, but then with the sizes of the books as they are, they just don’t line up that nicely.  You see?  This is what I have to deal with as a college graduate.)